Thanks to Joseph Loveless, Robbie Gumbo, Greenbird Zapedzki, Walt32 W and Olorin Undercroft for comments and suggestions that enriched this version.
Just before I distributed this version to the growing collection of readers, I created a group within Second Life called Love Virtually readers so I could more easily distribute new versions and give people who read it a way to stay in touch.
This version hit 6,000 words. I have begun to think about ways to make the piece more widely available. This blog is one step in that direction.
Will you live happily ever after with someone you met on Second Life, or any other online world? In an (unscientific) poll conducted by the Metaverse Messenger, 52% of respondents said they had fallen in love on Second Life.
That’s a lot of people! Why do so many fall in love on Second Life? There are some aspects of an online environment that make it easier to form intimate attachments quickly. But as you might guess, or might have experienced already, there are also some dangers. This note contains a bit of an explanation about why it’s so easy to fall head over heels, some dangers to be aware of, suggestions for protecting your heart, and some other random thoughts about virtual existence that the author has accumulated in more than a dozen years of online life.
Why Do (Virtual) Fools Fall In Love?
What is it about Second Life that leads so many along the path to love? There’s something unique about online communication, whether it’s Second Life or some other setting: there is the potential for immediate intimacy. Did you ever wish you could read minds? When you type your thoughts to another person, you are connecting mind to mind, thought to thought.
And what do you say when you’re in a Second Life mind meld? Once “Where are you from?” and “Come here often?” are out of the way, it can be easier to open up when you’re sitting essentially alone at home, typing on a keyboard, chatting with a stranger. We are anonymous, hidden behind an avatar and a made-up name. We can say anything. We can share our deepest secrets. We can speak our most hidden desires.
Social restraints of all kinds come off when you can escape a situation with a click. It’s even easier to let it all hang out when you may never see the people with whom you are interacting again. Even outside the online world, our behavior is very different with strangers with whom we do not expect to have an ongoing relationship, and with people close to us with whom we have a durable relationship (like parents, siblings, or spouses). Psychologists have studied the way people behave in conflict and negotiations. People are more likely to compromise when they have an ongoing relationship with the person they are in conflict with. If you have a disagreement with a friend or relative, you are not just interested in getting what you want; you are also interested in preserving the relationship. Online, we may not have an existing relationship with that sexy person we are chatting up, and we may have no intention of having one. So we let loose. We say what we might never say to our friends or co-workers or family, or even that person we’re talking with at a real life party. We might feel free to focus on our immediate desires. Perhaps even our most intimate desires. More on that later.
So many people in Second Life are seeking connection, though. Especially when we are new to the environment, we want to learn and make friends. Second Life is all about social interaction, and that’s what we’re there for. Why have a Friends list, after all, if we just wanted to share secrets with some stranger who we would never see again? The openness to new people, new interactions, new friends that exists even among longtime players with lengthy Friends lists reminds me of freshmen in their first weeks away at college. Everyone is on the same footing, in a new place with little or no existing social network, starting from scratch, introducing themselves to everyone, making new friends as fast as they can.
Although Second Life avatars have a growing repertoire of gestures and animations available, they have nowhere near the richness of natural human body language. When we interact face to face with another person, we get more than 50% of our information from their body language: their body position, how close or far away they are, and their facial expression. We get almost another 40% of our information from tone and vocal expression. The person’s words convey less than 20% of the information we receive. With text-only communication, body language and vocal tone are missing. When you chat in voice, you double the information content of your conversation, but you still lack body language signals.
Without all this information, we still make connections. In fact, we make connections faster and more intimately than we might in person. This may be partly because of our amazing ability to fill in the blanks. Humans have a useful habit of assuming the details when things are incomplete. If you see a picture of half a face, your mind fills in the other half. This is an excellent survival skill when you are walking through the savannah and you see half of a predator. However, it’s not always such a good idea when we’re chatting with someone and fill in the blanks with the attributes of our own personal Mr. or Ms. Dreamy. And naturally, you’re more likely to fall in love with a person you mostly made up.
Result: intimacy. Emotional intimacy. And consequently, emotional vulnerability and risk.
The anonymity of online communication leads us on a slippery slope toward a close connection. Since we’re comfortably at home, we feel safe sharing our private thoughts, so we do. That other person we shared with is worthy of our trust and secrets, because we trusted them and shared our secrets. Maybe they share intimate details with us, too. And because we shared those secrets, we feel closer to them than we feel to all those acquaintances in our lives with whom we talk about the weather. We might even feel closer to them than we do to our friends and loved ones, people who might raise an eyebrow and criticize or judge us if we shared some of those private thoughts. As we share our secret thoughts, very quickly we feel closer and closer.
And maybe we really do know get to know that other person intimately well, that person who is typing on their keyboard, staring at a screen, sitting in their home miles away from us. Maybe we get to know some important and deep pieces of their personality. Remember, though, that there are bound to be some other pieces we just don’t learn.
You Better Watch Out
So what are the risks that we face by getting close to others online? First of all, people lie. Sure, people lie in real life. One of the most popular lies is, “I’m single,” found in by some measures half of all personal ads placed by men. But if I meet you at a party, it’s a lot harder for me to tell you that I’m blonde, 5’8” and a former underwear model for Victoria’s Secret because you can see for yourself that I’m 5’1”, my hair is short and, well, no comment about my underwear. You can be a much more creative liar online. And the consequences are less serious, too. If you’re caught out, the victim of your lie might delete you from his Friends list. Big deal.
Consequences for the one who is lied to are more serious. You start to lose trust in people you meet online. You may suspect that everyone you meet is lying. A certain amount of caution is wise, but it’s sad if you transfer that lack of trust to everyone else you meet, or even leave the online world entirely, as I know some have done.
How do you protect yourself? Be careful about what you believe. Try to be open minded, but try not to be too blatant about your skepticism. If you find that you are bitter and cannot trust anyone you speak with, it might be time to take a break from Second Life.
And don’t lie yourself. It’s in all our interests to maintain a high proportion of truth and honesty online. If you respect yourself and value your reputation and integrity, don’t lie. Don’t even stretch the truth.
Caution number two: Because you just can’t know for sure about the person you find yourself getting close to, be careful about what you share about yourself. You may find that those who have been around longer, who may have been burned in the past, rarely share much personal information. You might want to be up front about your time zone and your hobbies, but whether you share details about your profession and your family life depends on your comfort level with the person you are talking to. More intimate are photographs and more specific details about your life. With the lack of information via body language in Second Life, it is that much harder to determine who is trustworthy.
Most likely, if you share your picture, your real name, your city, your profession or work information with someone, everything will be fine. Most likely, if you feel comfortable with someone, you can trust them. But there are those rare individuals who get fixated, who may not do well with boundaries, who may behave inappropriately. We’ve got body language and other clues if we meet someone like that in person. But even in person, people get fooled. Without body language, you must pay attention to what people say and do. If something seems a little odd to you, listen to your intuition. A little paranoia can be healthy, and help you avoid unwanted late night phone calls or other awkward situations. If you know that you’re not always a good judge of people in real life, be extra careful. Make friends with someone who is a good judge of people and seek their advice.
Third caution: text is brief. If you were to transcribe a voice conversation, it would go on for pages. It takes time to type, even when you’re using popular shorthand. The information you truly exchange in text just scratches the surface of potential interactions.
Voice is more in depth, it’s true. You can say more in less time, and you have the whole range of tone and delivery that adds another layer of meaning. But even with voice, you are still missing a big part of how human beings communicate: body language. Remember, researchers tell us that more than half of the information we derive from communication comes from body language.
In Second Life, you don’t have the clues of eye contact, distance and facial expression that can tell you if a person is happy, upset, angry, confident, shy, or interested in you.
Because text is very brief, it’s easy to fill in the blanks about details that are left out. Don’t do that. Try not to assume things about that person you’ve been chatting with. Even longtime friends and couples who know each other very, very well sometimes miscommunicate. Take things at face value. Don’t add meaning. If you’re not sure, ask for clarification.
Caution number four: Sometimes there are technical difficulties. Second Life is a mediated experience. By that, I mean that there is something in between you and the person at the other end. Sometimes, those things in the middle don’t work properly. My husband tells me that whenever he REALLY needs to reach me, really really, somehow, my phone is at home on the charger, or the battery just died, or I’m in a place with bad reception. By the same token, internet connections sometimes get flaky, whether it’s because of mysterious unknown reasons, or because someone didn’t pay the bill. Computers crash. Sometimes they crash so hard that they are no use at all, and their owner hasn’t got access to another one that is fancy enough to run Second Life. Not to mention, the SL database and grid have occasional down time and glitches.
So maybe the person you have been looking for is avoiding you, or maybe their computer broke. Or SL is creating the static.
And the most important, number five: Keep balance in your life. Second Life and other online environments can be intoxicating and habit-forming. They are open 24 hours a day, year round, and because they are populated by people from every time zone, there are always friendly people there who might speak your language. Because typing text is slower than chatting face to face (or in voice), things move more slowly, and time may seem to pass more quickly. You meant to log on for just a little while, when suddenly hours have gone by! And during those hours, you weren’t sleeping, or doing chores, or working, or enjoying your face to face relationships.
Online environments are especially attractive to the introverted among us. When social interaction in real life is difficult, for whatever reason, the online world offers a way to have more control over our social interactions. We can choose the time and place, we can reach out or not, we can be in a quiet place or a crowded one. Second Life has become an important tool for connection for folks with Aspergers or other conditions that make their interaction with people in physical space more challenging. Yes, this is a good thing!
Still, unless you live in a climate-controlled bubble, don’t let Second Life be your ONLY means of human contact. Even if you don’t like real live people, fresh air and sunshine are good for you. And if you’re not a hermit who lives alone in a cave, it’s important to value your real life relationships as well. I can’t emphasize this point enough, especially if you have a spouse, children, or other important people in your life with whom you live or who depend on you in some way. If there is something missing from your life, you need to spend time OFFLINE figuring out what that is, not online escaping from your issues and problems.
That Crazy Little Thing Called Love, I Mean Sex
You can become quite attached to someone online by just spending time together, sharing your thoughts and feelings. Or maybe you’ve taken the next step and gotten hot and heavy. A lot of what goes on in Second Life is sexual. There are strippers and escorts, free sex areas, specialty sex groups from BDSM to she-males and the people who love them. Every well-equipped home comes with a bed or rug or couch (or all of the above) with a variety of sex animations. I suspect that the most profitable business in Second Life is the design and sale of sex beds and animations, and attachments and other tools for having a hot time.
Sex changes everything. What do we call sex, anyway? Intimacy. When you get sexual, there is an assumption of closeness. And sex can happen very easily and quickly online. Some people come to Second Life just for sexual interaction.
In the most general sense, I’m in favor of sex. Sex is fun. Sex is friendly. Sex feels good. Not to mention, in the United States these days, there is a real dearth of accurate, helpful information about sex. Did you know that young people in school in the U.S. are primarily told that abstinence is best? Maybe you’re one of them. Sex in Second Life can be educational, at least to a limited extent. (After all, there are no sex animations in real life, and some of those animation positions look rather difficult if you have gravity in your life.)
If you have cybersex with someone, then what? Is it a one-time thing? Is it the start of a beautiful relationship? Or somewhere in between? It’s hard to know, and your partner may not tell you up front what they are looking for. They may not know. You may not know what you want, either. Because there is so little obvious external consequence to interactions in Second Life, your partner may not take your interaction very seriously, although you may have shared information that few people know about you.
How do you keep from getting your heart broken, especially if you’ve engaged in some simultaneous pornography, shared that rush of endorphins, and fallen head over heels?
If you’re already entangled, this suggestion may be too late, but I encourage you to manage your expectations. What does that mean? It’s another caution about making assumptions. If you go to bed with someone for the first time in real life, it’s usually pretty obvious whether everyone is having a good time. You can learn a lot about a person in bed. Without that body language, those clues are absent. Maybe you’ve clicked, and maybe you haven’t. There are different styles of online sexual interaction, and maybe your partner likes it done differently than you do. Maybe the person never does it with the same person twice. Many people are shy about asking for what they really want in bed, whether that bed has real sheets and blankets, or animations. And many people are reluctant to say what they really think.
Don’t assume. Ask.
Have a sense of perspective. Your emotions may be on a rollercoaster, but face it, it’s only virtual. While you may take it quite seriously, the person at the other end may not.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t take an online relationship seriously. In fact, you should take it very seriously. The people in Second Life may appear to be cartoons, but every typist is a real person with real feelings and hopes and dreams and desires. Just like you. Be gentle with them. Still, don’t be surprised if they are not so gentle with you. See: minimal consequences, above. In some ways, a relationship built around online sex can be less complicated than one that gets romantically intimate. There are only so many ways to talk about bumping bits, naughty ones that is. Getting excited and having an orgasm are binary kinds of things. Those feelings of excitement and satisfaction can lead to a sense of an emotional bond, though. That’s when you start sharing the cares of the day, or your hopes and dreams, with your sexy partner. That’s when you start logging on just in case your partner in fun might be around, and smiling and getting a thrill (in real life) when you see them, and perhaps even feeling sad and forlorn when they’re not around.
Or maybe those feelings of emotional connection have developed without any sexual play at all. Maybe the person you’ve been spending all those hours chatting with is just a great listener, makes you laugh, shares your taste in music, and gives great advice. Whichever path you’ve taken, you feel an emotional connection. You feel, who knows? IN LOVE. Or at least strongly IN LIKE.
That’s when things get the most complicated. When there’s an emotional investment, when you feel sad when they said they’d be online and they’re not, or when they just don’t say quite the right thing, or when they’re online but they say, sorry, can’t join you, I’m busy, that’s when there’s the greatest potential for misunderstanding, for misinterpretation, for hurt feelings. All you have is what they say, in text or voice, and you can’t just look into their eyes and see by their posture that they’re just not that into you... or that they are, but there’s some other friend having an emergency and they thought you’d understand.
This is when those cautionary words above are the most important. Don’t assume. If you don’t know, ask. Manage your expectations, hard as that may be when you’re in the throes of that wild energy you get from a new love affair.
What about the potential for happily ever after? What if you have really connected, you think of your virtual love all the time, and they tell you they’re totally into you too? Ask yourself, and ask them: What are your expectations for this virtual relationship? Do you just want to hang out and type sweet nothings? Create hot simultaneous virtual pornography? That’s enough for some people, especially those who are already married to someone other than you. Or do you think you might want to meet the person in person? (More on in-person meetings below.) Whatever it is, I hope you are on the same page. One of the features of successful long-term relationships is common goals.
Heartbreak Hotel
What about when things go horribly wrong? When they just don’t work out? What happens then?
It’s over. It’s done. You’ve had your last fight. Your online partner learned the truth about you, or you found out the truth about them. Or maybe it wasn’t a bang, but a whimper. The spark dimmed, you interacted less and less, and things faded away. Or worst of all, your lover simply disappeared. Hasn’t logged on, hasn’t emailed you, hasn’t called.
When a virtual love affair ends, it can be even worse in some ways than the end of a real life relationship. When you have a real life breakup, chances are most of your friends knew you were dating and maybe even met your significant other. They’ve gone through it themselves and can sympathize and take you out to the movies and listen sympathetically as you point out all of your ex’s flaws and worst habits. They may not know quite what to think if you tell them that you broke up with your virtual spouse, though. They may not have spent time on line, and they may never have heard of Second Life. Why are you so broken up about a game? they may ask.
Perhaps you fell deeper and harder for your online love than you ever did before in real life. After all, you shared a mind to mind intimacy. That person knew things about you that you had never told another soul. Or perhaps you fell harder because of what you imagined was there, the blanks you filled in. SL can be a very romantic and utopian place. Nobody farts or has bad breath in SL unless they really want to and script things accordingly. Everyone can be beautiful, whatever beautiful means to them. You can adjust your beauty to suit your lover’s wishes. You can spend your time dancing together, walking through manicured parks, sailing, skydiving, flying, wearing beautiful clothing. The airline never loses your reservation, rain and snow never ruin your plans. Houses are beautiful and spacious and beachfront property is easy to come by for a reasonable price. Life can be wonderful in such an idyllic environment. Who needs real life?
So what happened? Maybe your lover is married, and what you had was really an affair. That happens in real life, too. Here, remember all the cautions about dating someone who is married. No matter what they say they’re going to do about their marriage, they are still not single. When it comes down to making a choice, there were reasons that they married that person and there are reasons why they are still together. You might not understand those reasons even if you knew them in person.
Remember how easy it is to lie when it’s virtual? Maybe the other person is really much different in age or some other personal aspect of their lives than you thought. They started out with just a little lie, or were exploring some aspect of their personality that they couldn’t tap in real life, and then neglected to mention it when you started to get involved.
Another possibility is that they are fooling around, or partnered, with others in addition to you. There are so MANY people on Second Life, and intimacy is so easy. Being the object of someone’s affection feels so wonderful. It feels even better to be the object of several people’s affection! Juggling multiple boyfriends or girlfriends is even easier if you create multiple avatars, with different names, different personalities and looks and perhaps even gender.
It’s possible to do, so people do it. And then they feel guilty about it, maybe, and don’t mention it to you, their partner. Or maybe they did mention that they might, underline might, see other people, but of course you didn’t think they really would. And then one day they introduce you to their other love.
Whatever precipitated the end, now your heart is broken. You’ve got all the signs. You can’t sleep, or you can’t get out of bed. Your eating habits have taken a turn for the worse. You can’t stop thinking about your old love, wondering what you might have done differently. Maybe you feel betrayed. You trusted them, and they lied. You loved them, and they couldn’t love you. You listen to nonstop sad songs and find yourself staring off into space when you’re supposed to be working or studying.
The remedies for online heartbreak are the same as for any other sort: time, and patience, and friends, and other distractions. And perhaps a stiff drink. The emotions are real, and you have to get through the anger and sadness just like you would if your relationship had been entirely physical.
You might want to take a break from the virtual world for a while, the same way you might avoid the real life places you and a real life ex always used to go. This may be especially hard if you have been spending all your spare time, and maybe some of your not-so-spare time, online. If you have been neglecting your real life relationships, they may need some repairing as well before they can offer you the comfort and renewal that you need. That’s why it’s all the more important to maintain balance in your life, and keep your face to face relationships strong, even though you might prefer to be with your online love, or at least your online friends.
If your heart has been broken, please be sensible. No revenge. No stalking. Don’t spread nasty rumors about your former love. Print out their photo and burn it or rip it up if it helps you feel a little better. Go crazy in Photoshop, turn them into a devil, but don’t email the resulting masterpiece of fury to your ex, or even to mutual friends. (You know it will get back to your old love, don’t you? And that’s just why you would do something like that. So, don’t.) Maintain your dignity and self respect. Hold the moral high ground.
What if your former love decides to behave badly? You can’t control what people say about you, or what people think about you. If your angry ex is the one spreading nasty rumors, all you can do is damage control. Some of those mutual friends may decide to believe your former love’s side of things, whether it’s the truth as she sees it or something more malicious. That’s just the way it can be, exacerbated of course by the ease of lying that exists in virtual worlds. It’s perfectly reasonable to be angry, but again, keep to the moral high ground. Make sure that you can look yourself in the mirror.
By all means find a shoulder to cry on, but beware of rebound relationships. And keep going to work or school. You will get to the other side of this in time.
Who Are You?
What about role playing? Many people come to Second Life to become someone they aren’t in real life, to explore environments and situations that for whatever reason they can’t in real life. That werewolf, or that sexy she-male, or that hot dungeon master or mistress, may well be a suburban housewife in real life, or a retired accountant, or a Starbucks barista, or a father of three. That lovely female avatar may have a male typist.
The ability to explore experiences virtually, whether or not we will ever take the next step into reality (or even can), is one of the strengths of Second Life. A shy person might practice being friendly or even bold. It’s not generally socially acceptable for a woman to pursue or even proposition a man, but the anonymity of Second Life, and the sexually charged atmosphere in some areas, makes it a lot easier and more likely. You might not call those examples “role playing,” but they are in the sense that the person in question is trying on a different way of being and behaving.
More extreme examples are entering into a master-slave relationship, or using an avatar that is different than your physical self in gender or culture. Be aware that expanding your own personal range of normal behavior may carry over into your physical life. You may experience unexpected, unanticipated changes. Take time now and then to stop and reflect: do you like how you are changing? Are you being true to yourself?
If you are wearing an avatar that nobody in real life would recognize as you in a million years, should you come out as whoever you really are to the people you get especially close to? It’s up to you to decide how much to pull back the curtain on your virtual role to reveal your real life. Depending on who you are interacting with, it might not be appropriate to share personal information that is miles away from your virtual persona. Your role-playing friends may not feel comfortable sharing real personal information. Will knowing about your master’s everyday life break the spell, or will it make you closer?
I have talked with several Second Lifers who ultimately felt that they were living a lie as they interacted based on a role or persona that was far away from their physical reality. That’s not true for everyone who is role playing. If it is for you, it can help if there is at least one trusted friend who knows the truth about you, who can be your confidant. Or you may find that you are more comfortable starting over as yourself, or having an alternate avatar who is closer to your true self. Still, your roleplaying is a part of you. Learn from the experience. Embrace all of yourself.
Your Cheating Heart
Is it cheating? Is spending hours chatting online with someone who is not your significant other cheating? Is doing virtual sex when you’re in a real life relationship cheating? (What if there’s no virtual penetration?)
I know I’m swimming against a mighty river of infidelity here, but my advice is, don’t cheat. This is a tough one, and not something you can necessarily determine for yourself. You have to talk to your significant other. Your partner’s limits are something you will learn only through conversation. I know plenty of people who find that being sexual online enhances their real sex life. They get revved up and then release all that sexual energy with their official partner. Others may feel that online sex is cheating, or that emotional intimacy with someone online is cheating. A good starting point for thinking about this is, if you are spending time online that you could be spending with your real life partner, or if there are interactions and experiences you have online that you would not want to share with your real life partner, you may want to examine your priorities.
In my own relationships, I value honesty very, very highly. But I also don’t believe that my primary relationship, which is with my husband, has to satisfy every need I have. It satisfies an awful lot of them, of course, otherwise I wouldn’t have married him. But people are complex. I don’t expect my husband to enjoy spending a day shopping with me the same way my mother or my best friend would. And there are itches that I scratch by spending time on Second Life that he’s happy to hear about, but not interested in spending time doing himself.
Another way that I go against the dominant, fairy tale idea of relationships is that I believe that it’s possible to love more than one person at the same time. And why not? I love my mother and my father and my brother and my son and my husband and my best friend and a few other people, besides. I’m not in danger of running out of love. Now, my time is limited. But my capacity for caring is not.
If you can love your spouse, and love your online paramour too, that’s great. But I encourage you to not just talk about this with your real life partner, but prove it to them through your actions. It’s a lot harder for everyone involved, especially your real life partner who’s in the other room trying to read a book while he or she knows you’re getting nasty with that person online. Sometimes it just can’t work, and then you have to choose. There may be pain and heartbreak and hurt feelings. I suppose you could avoid all that by logging off right now. But are you really going to do that?
I suspect that the experience of making friends, and intimate friends, online is changing us. When we explore what it means to us and to our real life relationships, it helps us to expand the possibilities of human interaction. I hope your online interactions bring you pleasure and happiness and enrich your life.
From Virtual To Real
What if you’re single, and you meet the most amazing person online. After spending all those hours together, chatting in text, talking in voice or on the phone, you want to go the next step. If you met in person, what do you think would happen?
How do you meet someone in person after building a relationship online? Remember that although you have already established emotional intimacy, you are meeting that person in some respects for the first time. For the first time, you can see their body language. Are they really a former underwear model? If you’ve exchanged pictures, does he really look like that, or was that photo taken ten years ago? Even if it’s a recent picture, photographs can only convey so much. And now’s your chance to find out if she’s got a nervous tic or if he slouches or sniffles.
You’ve set yourself up for not just emotional but also physical intimacy. Whether they’re your type or not, when you hear their voice, a thrill will go through you. But try to take a step back when you meet in person for the first time. Treat it more like a second date. You may know some rather intimate things about that person, but you don’t know a lot of very basic things about them. And you may also be missing the context of some of those intimate details, or what those secrets mean to the person.
Other advice-givers, in print and in your real life, will remind you to meet in a public place and to exercise caution. Yes, you should exercise physical caution, but also watch out for your heart.
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